I Am Florida, and America, You Can Suck Me

Barking Moonbat sat down with Florida on the eve of an unprecedented US election. Here’s what he had to say about the importance of being a swing state in a highly contested year.

BMB: Thank you, Florida, for taking some time out to speak with us today.

FLORIDA: My pleasure. I fucking love election years. You guys just can’t shut up about me. It’s all “blah blah blah Florida has previously had voting problems. Blah blah blah which way will Florida go?” I love it, bro.

BMB: So I take it that you’re excited for tomorrow?

FLORIDA: Bring. It. On.

BMB: Do you think Florida is as important this year as it has been in other elections?

FLORIDA: Have you seen the numbers today??? It’s ALL about me. Again. Nate Silver has me at 16.6 percent chance of being the tipping point. Swing state? Yeah, I’m swinging it, baby. I’m swinging it right out in to the Atlantic Ocean and the Gulf of Mexico and pointing it straight at the Bermuda Triangle. I certainly swung that shit in 2000, and though you may not have liked the results, you can’t deny the raw power I exuded over that race.  At the end of that election, who was everyone looking at? Were they looking at that micropenis New York? No. They were looking at the huge cock that is Florida. The whole nation was staring at its own dick and wondering if it was going to do the right thing.

BMB: Wow. Well, that’s one way of looking at the 2000 election I suppose. It was touch and go there for awhile though. Most polls had you leaning to Gore.

FLORIDA: But all the polls completely underestimated my desire to do whatever is necessary to get in a Bush. I have a thick ass layer of limestone holdin’ me up, baby. The U.S. of A. felt the power of my peninsula that year.

BMB: The power of your peninsula?

FLORIDA: Yeah. I am fucking Florida, man, and I am the cock of this goddamn nation.

BMB: Okay. Again, wow, but I guess anything goes this year. So, what about the other swing states? Don’t you see them as important as well? You’re obviously not the only important voice this year.

FLORIDA: Oh really? I beg to differ. Who else is there? Ohio? My ass. North Carolina? Fuck off. Pennsylvania??? I mean do you even lift, bro? Look at history man. Let’s take it back further than the election in 2000. Do you know what Ohio and Pennsylvania were up to on July 16th, 1969, besides sending me a huge portion of their retired residents for relocation?? Well, let me enlighten you. They were looking at me. Know what I was doing on that day? Oh, well nothing major. I mean no big deal. I was just, you know, a little busy facilitating a small scientific feat we call FUCKING SPACE TRAVEL. And not for the first time either by the way. That was just the time that I ejaculated Apollo fucking 11 in to space so we could plant an American flag on the goddamn moon and film the money shot for all of the world to behold. I mean, I basically came on Mother Russia’s face.

BMB: I really have no idea what to say to that.

FLORIDA: Oh, I’m sorry. Did that Mother Russia reference offend you? Is it #toosoon? Are you planning on Putin it in your article, or are you just gonna wait for Wikileaks to drip it out? Are you worried the feminists going to get their bikinis in a twist? Let ’em. I don’t give a steaming gator shit. They can lay on a towel, oil up their bods, and bask in the heat as their tears mix with the sweat dripping from my governor’s balls to form that delicious, musky aroma only Florida can provide. Smell that? That’s the odor of suntan lotion, cruise ship exhaust, and women’s rights frying in the sun and shrinking like the bacon that is wrapped around my delicious local scallops. Intoxicating. I’m drunk on Piña Colada’s and my own power so I suggest you don’t make the same mistake twice, bitches, because I’ve fucking earned some respect, and it’s time you guys acted like it. I will Trump your asses if you don’t watch your step.

BMB: Okay, well, this has certainly been enlightening. Is there anything else you’d like to say to our readers before they head to the polls?

FLORIDA: Damn right. No one represents this great nation like I do. No one. Remember that tomorrow. I am Florida, man. I am the swinging cock of this country goddamnit, and America, you can suck me.